thoughts on an Oslo encounter

I went on a trip to Norway recently. A part of me wishes I could tell you it was wholly for me and wholly to explore parts of it that I hadn’t explored - and in part I did wish that. But as with many good stories, it was for a person. I had talked to this person during the summer and it was a rare but genuine thing sparked by phone and Whatsapp conversations that were wholly interesting. When they disappeared in mid July, I had assumed the worst, assuming that as with many things this year that it was yet an unexpected either ghosting or something of a miscommunication between the two of us.

I will say that this particular relationship, entanglement, friendship with romantic undertones or whatever you would call it was unique for me. It was stemming from intellectual conversation and genuine curiosity to get to know someone across the world from myself. So when they had disappeared after messaging back and forth for weeks and hour long phone conversations, I was stunned, disappointed but moved on and had traveled elsewhere instead of the originally planned trip we had intended to do for my 30th birthday. I found out later that the disappearance was due to a sudden and unexpected deployment and I believe them. After all, in something such as that and with limited time to notify next of or loved ones, I hardly would have expected me at that point during the summer to have been a priority when considering the checklist of things they needed to do before leaving.

I had moved on, or so I thought. Gone to Copenhagen, been disappointed by a string of individuals that I encountered there, but enjoyed at least many of the sights while still wondering “What if?” as he and I had before discussed taking a ferry from Oslo to Copenhagen and/or driving the length of Denmark together after a ferry from southern Norway. That didn’t end up happening but I did see Copenhagen and then Helsinki without him, still in back of my mind wondering as one does when one has with situations without closure. A couple weeks after that, I had managed to secure some more time in October thinking I would be joining my parents in the UK or even thinking of taking RyanAir to somewhere from the UK such as Budapest which I have always wanted to visit alongside Prague, Bratislava. I actually was in process of booking those flights for October when this person contacted me for the first time in months - on Snapchat with a message saying they were back in Norway and were bitter about not having gotten a chance to tell me before their sudden leave. I chose to believe them and we started talking and before I knew it, suddenly the trip to UK and Budapest changed over to me returning to Norway but this time to finally see the person I had so hoped I would see from the summer. In back of my head, I still had anxieties. What if something went wrong again? With the nature of their work, it was hard to say given circumstances of the world if anything could change. This was late September and predating the horrific atrocities taking place in Israel in early October.

Time started ticking down and we remained in contact- messaging on WhatsApp and Snapchat. I can tell you that it was refreshingly wholesome - talking about dreams, travel inspirations, things we had wanted to read or checkout together. It wasn’t like connections I had had this year that seemed wholly based on either physical attraction or, to be frank, wanting or longing for the physical attraction after having gotten myself out of a fairly loveless but extended long term relationship where intimacy had been gone for years. I was in the back of my head worried that what if this person disappeared before I arrived in Oslo? Thankfully, they didn’t, and they did pick me up from the airport and we shared a very exhilarating 48 hours before learning that unfortunately, as fate would have it, they would be called away to work again meaning the last several days I would be in Oslo myself.

When they realized that, of course, and I don’t blame them - the shroud of intimacy seemed to disappear. Instead of it being two people getting to know each other it became a plague of anxieties and countdown to when they would leave and I empathized with that but still selfishly thinking why? Why now? And why did as it have it these horrible things in the Middle East have to happen in the first place yet again? However, I also knew this person had a rare noble light and an even rarer thing - a dedicated purpose and belief in what they are and were doing in their career in helping. So I would never begrudge anyone a career or a love and passion of what they do. The plans we had had of exploring southeastern Norway disappeared, but we did get to see some beautiful spots I hadn’t explored before which was great. I’ll never forget our first kiss in Lillehammer because since we hadn’t been partially overly flirtatious in our correspondence ahead of time - I hadn’t been sure if the connection had been all in my head or if there was that draw, that attraction and I had an innate knowledge that expressions of affection in Scandinavia until someone gets to know a person could be rare indeed.

I still feel bitter myself. Bitter, happy, lucky. Is it possible to feel all of those emotions? I remember the last words we shared were until we meet again, and without the ability to know for certain when next time we would communicate or certainly see each other would be - very open ended which for a person like me is extremely difficult. Maybe I’m an emotional sadist and enjoy to some degree the idea of a passionate, intense hot and cold affair, or maybe I was delusional in feeling so strongly in such a short amount of physical time together. We shared a dinner at a nice steakhouse in Oslo - if any of you have visited Norway, you will know that food cost is expensive so the fact they insisted on treating me to the dinner and acknowledging that I had come this way to see them only to have visit abruptly cut short - was a big deal indeed. From what I understand, romantic dinners together are something that there only really happen down the line in Scandinavian scene - usually bars, cofffee takeaways are the fundamental firsts. So it felt special, and reflecting on the time we had driven around after coming in from the airport, visiting and wandering an Ikea together, and seeing beautiful Lillehammer together were certainly the highlights.

I feel that like with anything in life - there’s a lesson to be learned. I decided after they left that even though I was in Oslo for the remainder of my trip - three days - I wouldn’t just sit in the hotel or feel sorry for myself. That would be silly and there are always things I wish to see, things to experience. I used the CouchSurfers app to find local and expat meet ups and visited a hip and trendy jazz bar alongside 10-12 others followed by watching a France-South Africa rugby match in an Irish pub. I ate alone at the oldest cafe frequented by many authors and politicians in Oslo for a lovely lunch. If anyone knows me, they know that is an accomplishment as I have always been insecure of eating alone in a restaurant if not at a bar top. I also was able to go a fjord plunge and sauna experience at the harbor which was a highlight. So I would call all of that and the trip a success despite the diversion and the fact that the trip meant to be shared with two became somehow a life lesson to not put a trip or rely on other people when so many other factors could be at play and things change at the drop of a hat.

If you’re wondering, I am writing them letters. I have no knowledge of if I expect a response but I am writing as much for me as for as much to hope that maybe they will feel the way in which I write. Nostalgia, longing, a million what ifs, but also objectively hoping the connection if anything could remain an extended friendship if nothing more. It felt very much a Normal People (anyone that’s watched the Paul Mescal show on Hulu or read the Sally Rooney book will understand this) situation in which it had been such a passionate connection that it’s still left me stunned. I know that I feel passionately but very seldom had I felt that it was reciprocated and that perhaps is why I feel stunned still even weeks later. I know that they told me they couldn’t promise when the future would come, if we’d see again this year or next, and that was both honest and true. They can’t promise that - their career is the fundamental point and frankly, with them helping others, I would never begrudge or ask someone to take a step back from something they are passionate about. I admire that so sincerely and it does make me smile to think that they are using their skill set to help. At the same time, in back of my mind, I hope that maybe someday we will connect again.

A wise friend I met in Oslo - a chef originally from Malaysia - that along with a connection from South Africa - was able to grab drinks and dinner with me after the sauna and fjord plunge experience - told me that I should feel both lucky and allow the universe to do the rest of the work but at the same time not begrudge myself other connections whether that be romantic in nature or platonic. I would have to agree with that. I’m still trying to work out exactly what that means and I still will write letters to my Norwegian connection. I am grateful that the trip showed me that despite the unexpected occurring that I did have the strength to both improvise and make my own trip in the end not reliant on others and still enjoy myself. I had doubted after several negative experiences in Copenhagen, Edinburgh, and Rome this year whether or not I’d feel comfortable solo traveling again - but this proved that although it hadn’t intended to be a solo jaunt - that I could.

I wanted to write for the first time in months to articulate the things that I have been feeling. I have journaled a bit also and written them several letters, but it feels good to put something into the universe acknowledging the complexity in emotions that I have felt since being back in the US. It’s like the Bourdain quote of how travel should change a person. I have always felt things deeply but the unexpected links and lessons learned in Oslo have profoundly shown me just how that can be.